disability, lifestyle and mental health
Posts exploring my daily life and what I get up to
On the 8th April:
1. Feeling like I’m getting somewhere with planning assignments and getting on with my dissertation
2. My first ice cream of the summery/spring season
3. A gorgeously sunny, beautiful day (so much so I didn’t need my winter coat)
4. Reading by the flickering light of my candles
5. Cooking a ‘fancy’ macaroni cheese (even if I did burn my wrist in the process…ouch!)
I hope you’ve had a wonderful Wednesday.
Heather
In an effort to keep my mood up and hopefully get out of this horrible, low, blue stage (something I hoped would have passed by now, but I’m struggling to shake it) I’m aiming to focus on some happy/lovely/funny moments or things i’ve encountered during the day. I’m aiming for five things/moments/times that have been particularly lovely, no matter how trivial. For instance I take great delight in my morning coffee as it’s a thing of joy and a happy start to my day (somewhat silly but definitely true). Hopefully this will be a fairly frequent (if not daily) occurence but the phrase ‘famous last words’ springs to mind as I write this.
Reflecting on 7th April 2015:
1. my frothy coffee in the morning; the buzz of caffeine, the bittersweetness
2. the beaming sun and blue skies as i walked around campus
3. talking to friends about silly things whilst preparing my dinner (whilst watching them knit)
4. listening to Sylvia Plath’s interviews which filled me with joy (her voice is so different to what I’d expected, yet so eloquent and wonderful and beautiful to listen to)
5. skyping with Drew as I haven’t seen him in a while. It’s always comforting to see a familiar face.
Let’s keep our fingers crossed that this will be a regular feature, eh? We could all do with a little reminder of some happy times.
I hope you’ve had a wonderful Tuesday,
Heather
Hi everyone! It’s currently 7.30 pm and I’m already sipping on a gin and tonic. This week has been hectic; I have been working from 8am til 5.30pm (at the earliest) and I’m completely exhausted. I work as a holiday club assistant, and though I love the job, it can be really tiring looking after nearly 20 children from the ages of 6 to 15. Still, it’s an amazing job and despite my lack of energy I’m so grateful to have it. Though kids can be hard work, they’re so lively and vivacious. I long for the days when I’d run in the grass, carefree and clumsy, getting completely and utterly covered in mud and grazes. Children take pleasure in the simplest of things and it’s such a joy to observe.
I’m currently back in my student house attempting to relax. Shortly before my week at work I visited Whitby for a couple of days. There’s something so utterly restorative about the sea. I’m not sure whether it’s the fresh air, its vast beauty or the things that accompany trips to the seaside (chips, ice cream, a kaleidoscope of coloured sticks of rock) but the trip, albeit short, was a thing of beauty and bliss. How I longed to stay. I did take a few pictures though, but be warned because I’m by no means a great photographer. The horizons may be slightly wonky but I tried to capture at least a minuscule glimpse of the beauty of the place. If you’re ever near, I suggest you visit Whitby. It’s a delight.
I hope you have a relaxing bank holiday weekend, and a peaceful Easter if it’s something you celebrate.
Heather
It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here, and for that I do apologise. Things have been extremely busy with university study, but I thought now would be apt to share my recent experiences particularly with regards to the counselling treatment I’ve started (see https://nosuperhero.wordpress.com/2015/02/28/validation/ ). I have to say I didn’t really know what to expect when it came to my first session; the only ‘insight’ I’ve had into counselling/therapy consisted of jokey allusions to it via shows such as Family Guy which is perhaps rather unfortunate. The set up was what I expected though: me and the counsellor in a small room, perhaps with a cup of tea, boxes of tissues and sheets of paper to fill out. My first steps into the room were apprehensive ones. Though I knew it was an amazing thing to have got there, I still wanted to turn back and leave. I wanted to turn around, run through the front door and seamlessly merge back into the crowds walking the streets of Hull; I didn’t want to have my life probed and picked apart. I knew though that there was no going back. This could prove to be the beginning of something wonderful, something life-changing.
After completing the mandatory paperwork (filling out scales 1-10, ‘how easy has it been for you to get out and about? etc) the session started. Almost immediately afterwards, the tears began to flow. Tears not only of anxiety and sadness and frustration, but tears of relief. Someone was sat in front of me who genuinely seemed to express an interest and concern for my life. They made me feel (for once!) at ease somewhat. And most of all, things started to make sense. I’ve had two sessions so far and I’d like to think I’m finally on the right track, or at least headed in the right direction, whichever that is. I’m under no illusions. I know this will take time and although each session has been emotionally exhausting, I just feel like for once I can see a glimpse of light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. It’s a glimmer of light I couldn’t be happier to see.
Here’s to hope and new beginnings…
Heather
Hi! I thought I’d post a quick link to an old blog of mine. I used to blog over at htlcy.wordpress.com, also known as Ramblings of a Teenage Tea Drinker. This blog is a few years old, and due to a variety of reasons I stopped using it a long time ago. I have wanted to blog about my experiences of my first year at university, but I know I already did this on my previous blog, so I’m going to link it here instead. The bullying blog is a couple of years old now (wow, how time flies!) but it’s still something I’ve had to live with during my time at university. Unfortunately the perpetrators are still rather awful (glares on campus, general rudeness and arrogance…you get the picture) but the post got a response from readers because unfortunately, bullying at university is not the rarity it should be. Feel free to have a look and let me know what you think!
https://htlcy.wordpress.com/2013/07/12/im-off-on-my-jollies/
Heather
Hi everyone. I hope you are having a great Saturday. This will be another somewhat informative post following on from the last, https://nosuperhero.wordpress.com/2015/02/23/anxiety-taking-baby-steps/ Yesterday was a real turning point for me. In my last post you might remember I opened up about my struggles with anxiety and coming to terms with the fact that I’m at a point where I need some help. Yesterday was my first appointment with regards to my anxiety, often referred to as a mental health assessment. It was a really weird day. As expected, I was really worried about going. I knew it was the one thing I needed to do to keep the ball rolling, but that alone wasn’t enough to stop me from panicking. I knew I was going to find the day tough, so I wanted to take things slowly. Drew was kind enough to offer to come with me, so in the morning I opted to make us breakfast. I attempted to make American pancakes filled with blueberries, and although they looked alright they were slightly underdone in the middle. I got really upset about this; it’s such a silly thing, but at the time those pancakes felt like the most important thing in the world. We managed to rectify them, but by the time they were okay I was too upset to eat them. It appeared that breakfast time set the mood for the entirety of the day. They did look okay, though.
The journey to the health centre was filled with anxiety. After being coerced to leave the house by Drew (which resulted in tears), I sat panicking whilst waiting for a taxi at the local taxi rank. Once the taxi arrived, I felt somewhat relieved, (at least I wasn’t going to be late) but I was on the way to a part of town I’ve barely heard of before, nevermind visited. The wait in the waiting room was horrendous. It was loud, uncomfortable and my appointment ended up being nearly half an hour later than intended. I was jumpy and close to tears, so it took all my strength to stay. Drew and I did decide that we’d make pizzas from scratch for dinner, which did help a little. At least I had the thought of homemade pizzas to look forward to! By the time I was called in I was overly emotional. Almost as soon as I sat in the room I burst into tears. It was at this point I realised I’d have to recount some very painful and traumatic memories. Once this was over however, I knew I’d be one step closer to the help I so desperately needed.
The hour seems like a complete blur to me. There were questions after questions, and lots of numerical scales to fill out. I was constantly worried that I’d give the wrong answer or say the wrong thing, but I got through it. I knew anxiety was the issue, so it came as no surprise that they said I have severe anxiety (according to the scales, so not neccessarily completely accurate but definitely in the right area). What was a bit odd was the conclusion that I also have moderate depression. Initially I was surprised, but it does make a lot of sense having thought about it. With these conclusions came overwhelming relief. Finally, someone was telling me the things I’ve been going through aren’t normal. Someone actually sat and told me that these feelings aren’t a figment of my imagination. They provided the validation that I needed, the validation that said ‘yes, I am entitled to help’, and ‘yes, I can and will receive that help’. I’m so glad I stayed. I’m so glad I got through that appointment, despite the tears and my bright red face.
I have decided that counselling will be the first port of call. I think having an outlet where I can vent my frustrations and anxieties will help me immensely. They did mention medication; that’s something I am open to thinking about, but for now I want to try alternative measures.
I left the appointment feeling both relieved and apprehensive. What will come next? Will it help? I’m certain I can get through this. I’m under no illusions and I know it will take time. But making that first step means the solution is nearer than it was before, and that can only be a good thing. I went and bought a new mini cupcake tray, pizza and cake ingredients.
Yes, we did make pizzas. They were definitely worth the wait.
I also went ahead and made cupcakes. Expect a recipe post soon as they were pretty good considering baking is a weakness of mine. This whole weekend is turning into a cooking weekend, as tonight I’m attempting to make a lasagne with handmade pasta. Cooking is proving to be great therapy.
I think brighter days are certainly on the horizon.
Have a brilliant weekend, whatever you may be up to.
Heather
Hello! I hope Monday got off to a great start for you. It’s been a fairly busy few days, and I thought it’d be quite nice to incorporate these journalistic posts into my blogging routine. Blogging after all is extremely cathartic for me, and sometimes it’s great to change things up a bit. What I haven’t really been so open about on here is my recent struggles with anxiety, but if you follow me on twitter I’m sure you’ve been able to follow various updates (that are admittedly fairly angry and annoying) about my general health and emotional wellbeing. I can’t say I’ve ever been a laid-back person. I’m the kind of person who worries about how they’re going to answer a question in a seminar, or if I’ve somehow come across rudely, or whether or not I’ll be able to head into uni without panicking about it first. When I was younger I’d worry so much I’d work myself into a fit of tears, crying in bed as my stomach twisted and turned, my pillow damp with tears. Of course, I can’t really say why I worried like this. All I know is that I did, and it was very real. There was no stopping my worrying. My mum would constantly tell me I was making myself sick with worry (which was often the case), I’d catastrophize every situation, and I’d get that same stomach-churning, knotting sensation deep in my tummy. I remember many a night, prior to associated board vocal exams finding myself in a state of panic; ‘What if I forget the words? What If I can’t sight-read the piece? What if I sound absolutely awful?’ Although I passed these exams very well, the panic never ceased. The same occurred for every music concert, every question answered in class, and every time I over thought an embarrassing situation. It’s not an easy way to be, but I didn’t know how to be any different. I couldn’t stop it, no matter how hard I tried. Even as a tiny child, I remember the panic that ensued when I even so much as thought about being in trouble. It frightened me.
This anxiety has never ceased, but it has definitely developed into a different beast. Since being diagnosed with Scheuermann’s, I’ve noticed the relationship between my pain levels and my anxiety (and vice-versa). Some days when I am having a particularly difficult pain day, I get what I can only describe as a ‘feeling of doom’ inside my stomach, like something unbearably bad is about to happen. This is the same for the painful symptoms associated with my hemiplegia. When both my back and hemiplegia are very painful, it’s an absolute recipe for disaster. I’m sure it’s a feeling some of you are more than familiar with.
In April last year my anxiety really spiraled out of control. I was definitely at my worst: something extremely traumatic had occurred at home, and I was one to help pick up the pieces. I don’t want to go into things, it’s very painful and extremely upsetting, but it’s something I had no control over which only made things worse. Things got so bad I couldn’t leave the house, especially when on my own. If I managed to get into uni, usually with my boyfriend accompanying me, I’d panic as soon as I realised I’d have to sit in a room with people, so I had to go back home. I’d continually cry. It was like the tears wouldn’t stop rolling down my cheeks, no matter how hard I tried. My heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn’t eat, and I felt so nauseous I didn’t feel like eating even if I tried. I felt so alone, in unbearable amounts of pain, and unable to obtain help because I felt terrified every time I left the safety net of my bedroom. I couldn’t even talk to my housemates. It was a really, really bad time.
Over summer the situation that was the main contributing factor to my anxiety stopped being as much of a problem. I was still anxious about everything, but not in the ‘housebound way’ I had been previously. Things looked better for me. I no longer felt like despairing. Things weren’t completely fine, but I felt better. Unfortunately I’ve had a slight relapse; the original situation that caused such heartache last year hasn’t gone away, and I’m not sure it ever will. This is the most painful part, because I feel like the same thing is going to happen again if I don’t take preventative measures. I have however managed to ask for help. People tell me this is a huge step, so I only hope they’re right. I’m going to see someone Friday (I did originally have an appointment last week that was cancelled at very short notice, which is never a good thing) but I’m hoping something useful will come out of it.
It’s easy to feel you’re completely alone when going through anxiety and other related conditions. I know now that I should have sought help a long time before now, but I’ve set the ball rolling and that’s the important thing. There are the resources out there, it’s just a matter of seeking them out. Surround yourself with people you can trust, with people who will help you through this difficult time. I’m reluctant to take medication if I can absolutely help it. This is not because I think medication is a bad thing; I know it’s a lifeline for some people and that’s fantastic, but for personal reasons I’d like to see if I can manage my anxiety in a different way. I’ll keep you updated on my progress.
Just don’t give up. You will find a way.
Heather
As I sit here typing this I can see the dull gloom of the sky outside, and the flickering light of candles on a desk. The landscape reflects my mood; the sun is absent, not even a patch of blue is to be seen and the sky is so overwhelmingly grey. Today is a grey day, and my mood seems similar. I feel dejected, stressed, tired and everything else that comes along with it. I’m at a stage where I’m really resenting things. I resent my body; I resent my body right now because I wake up in pain and I fall asleep in pain, it hurts to walk and it hurts to sit, and all the silly, mundane things that need doing in everyday life seem impossible and difficult. Washing my clothes is an ordeal, making my bed is a challenge, and cleaning the house leaves me in so much pain I can’t do anything for the remainder of the day. I feel hopeless. I feel ashamed of my body, and even more ashamed of the way it makes me feel. Today the pain in my body is taking it’s toll. I feel robbed of the opportunity to do things without having to think of their consequences. I am constantly weighing up the pros and cons of analgesia, knowing that either way I can’t win. Today I am realising that I struggle and it’s the struggle that’s the hardest to address. I am stubborn; but there’s only so much I can take on the bad days.
I’m hoping for a brighter tomorrow.
As some of you may have been reading, December was a really exciting month as I had the opportunity to attend a bloggers meet in Hull. As I’m fairly new to the world of blogging it was a really amazing opportunity to meet with other bloggers, make friends, and explore new blogs. I did extremely well in the raffle, coming away with some gorgeous the Balm goodies, Ohh Deer notebooks AND a big box of Degusta goodies. It’s been a long time coming, but today I’m going to share my thoughts on some of the treats that turned up inside the December box!
Firstly, I’ll discuss the Kettle chips. I love Kettle chips; they’re always a favourite treat of mine and have some truly irresistable flavours. These were no exception! I received the Salsa & Mesquite flavour, which was a smoky, tomato flavour. They were deliciously crunchy and were enjoyed by my family around the Christmas tree!
Next up are the Lindt Lindor My Melting Moment chocolates. Anyone who knows me will know just how much I love chocolate. It’s definitely one of my favourite things and I often find it hard to resist! Lindt chocolate is particularly delicious, and since I love the melting middle chocolates, I was pretty certain I’d enjoy these! As expected they were extremely delicious, with a smooth, melting middle encased in thick Lindt milk chocolate. Really superb. Plus, the snowflake design made them a really special Christmas treat.
As a student I find fajitas to be a great way to have a really balanced meal (as long as you go easy on the sour cream or skip it altogether!) so when I found the fajita Stir In Flavour Shots in the box I was really excited to use them. Usually I use Old El Paso’s fajita mix, which I also received on the day. As you can imagine there’s been lots of fajita meals since, and I’m certainly not complaining! Unlike the Old El Paso Mix, the flavour shots are liquid. They are fairly thick, but they melt in the pan amongst the meat and vegetables. There are four in a packet, and you use one per meal (which serves 2-4 people). Overall I was really impressed with these. If you like Old El Paso’s, you’ll probably enjoy these as they have a similar, smoky flavour. I have yet to try the Old El Paso Spicy Taco Mix, but the Potato Wedges Seasoning was a big hit and I’d definitely repurchase it. You simply sprinkle it over your potato wedges and give them a good mix. Then you simply pop them in the oven! A really easy yet different way to use potatoes. These went well with the fajitas!
Here is one of the beverages in the box; the Montano Cider. I’m a fan of ciders in general, and I usually prefer mine on the dry side. Luckily, this cider was somewhere in the middle of sweet and dry, and was extremely fruity. I throughly enjoyed it. With a golden colour and light sparkle, it was an extremely refreshing drink and I wouldn’t hesistate to repurchase it. My whole family enjoyed it!
I’m not usually a huge fan of pickles and chutneys, but Branston’s Mediterranean chutney was a little different. With a rich, sweet, tomato taste, I found this went well on burgers. I tried it on a chicken burger in place of ketchup, and it was really very lovely. The texture isn’t what I’d consider chunky, but it definitely isn’t smooth. I think it would be good on a cheese toastie. I’m not sure I’d repurchase this, but as I say chutneys aren’t really to my taste. Worth a try if you’re into this kind of thing, though.
Lastly we have the Cool Dawn recovery drink. I received two cans of this and they’re recommended for a hangover. Unfortunately I don’t really drink an awful lot, so I can’t say much about the hangover-reducing effects. The drink contains a mixture of herbs and juices, but do not contain any stimulants like caffeine. They have quite an unusual, almost medicinal taste, but they’re certainly not unpleasant, and they’re not sparkling; they’re a completely still drink. They are quite refreshing, and they’re a really interesting addition to any drinks cupboard. Not sure if I’d repurchase, but I did enjoy trying them out!
These are all the products I’ve tried out so far, and it’s been a really interesting experience! I LOVE the idea of Degusta boxes; you get so much in one box and it’s great to try out new things from brands you love and brands you’ve perhaps never heard of before. I’d definitely think about subscribing to the box. It’s a great way to try things you perhaps might not do usually, and I can imagine it being a really exciting day when your big box arrives! Many thanks for reading and I hope Monday has treated you well.
All the best,
Heather
Hi there! It’s so good to be back blogging in 2015! Christmas and New Year was a great time to relax, see friends and family and just generally have an enjoyable time. I hope Christmas was a peaceful and relaxing period for yourself. I got some really lovely, thoughtful gifts, and it was lovely giving something special to those who have done so much for me this past year.
However, now it’s January, it’s back to work and the hustle and bustle of university life! I did say in an earlier post that I adore cooking and I love tweaking new recipes to make something really tasty. So, in light of this, I thought I’d share with you a really easy breakfast recipe to really set your day off to a great start. Something to keep you going until lunchtime…perfect for busy, work-filled days!
To make measuring easy, I use a cup. This isn’t strictly the American cup measurement system, however, if you use the same cup/mug to measure out your ingredients in, it works just the same and it’s far easier than getting your weighing scales out!
Serves 2 (makes 2 good-sized fluffy pancakes each)
You will need:
3/4 cup of self-raising flour
A pinch of salt
A pinch of baking powder
Half a teaspoon of white granulated sugar
1 tablespoon of melted butter, cooled
Just over 1/2 cup of milk (whichever you like: I used whole milk)
1 large egg, beaten
Splash of vanilla extract (if you can get hold of some)
Butter and a splash of vegetable oil, for frying
1 banana, sliced (optional)
Runny honey (optional)
Toasted almonds (optional)
Greek yogurt (optional)
I find it’s far easier to make the batter mix in a jug. You can then pour out the mixture into a saucepan rather than using a ladle or something similar. Put all of the dry ingredients into the jug. Whilst stirring, add your wet ingredients until combined. Try to knock out some of the lumps, but don’t expect your batter to be completely smooth. It’s best not to overwork the batter so that it stays lovely and fluffy whilst cooking. I also cook my pancakes separately so that I don’t overcrowd the pan. I then just pop the pancakes in a low oven to keep warm whilst I’m cooking the rest, so pop the oven on a low heat (50 degrees centigrade or lower will suffice).
When the batter is combined, pour the batter into the buttered pan, on a medium heat. If you add a splash of oil to the butter in the pan, it will prevent the butter burning and becoming dark brown. That’s not the aim here: we want lovely golden pancakes, not burnt ones! I like my American pancakes to be fairly large, but not so big that they won’t fit onto a side plate.
Once you’ve poured the batter into the pan, place slices of the chopped banana (if using) into the wet batter of the top of the pancake. Cook the pancake until the top of the batter (the side you’ve put the banana on) is beginning to bubble. Turn the pancake over when it’s golden brown. The side with the bananas on will only take a couple of minutes (if that) to cook. Place in the oven to warm whilst you cook the rest.
When you have cooked your lovely pancakes, stack onto a plate and top with whatever you fancy! I had honey, toasted flaked almonds and Greek yogurt which I thoroughly recommend. Chocolate spread, peanut butter and other fruits would also make lovely toppings. If you don’t like banana, you can substitute it for a handful of blueberries, raspberries, or sliced strawberries. Delicious!
Let me know how you get on with them. Happy cooking!
Heather
no superhero 