As I sit here typing this I can see the dull gloom of the sky outside, and the flickering light of candles on a desk. The landscape reflects my mood; the sun is absent, not even a patch of blue is to be seen and the sky is so overwhelmingly grey. Today is a grey day, and my mood seems similar. I feel dejected, stressed, tired and everything else that comes along with it. I’m at a stage where I’m really resenting things. I resent my body; I resent my body right now because I wake up in pain and I fall asleep in pain, it hurts to walk and it hurts to sit, and all the silly, mundane things that need doing in everyday life seem impossible and difficult. Washing my clothes is an ordeal, making my bed is a challenge, and cleaning the house leaves me in so much pain I can’t do anything for the remainder of the day. I feel hopeless. I feel ashamed of my body, and even more ashamed of the way it makes me feel. Today the pain in my body is taking it’s toll. I feel robbed of the opportunity to do things without having to think of their consequences. I am constantly weighing up the pros and cons of analgesia, knowing that either way I can’t win. Today I am realising that I struggle and it’s the struggle that’s the hardest to address. I am stubborn; but there’s only so much I can take on the bad days.
I’m hoping for a brighter tomorrow.
As I write this it’s nearly 23.45 on a Sunday night, and whilst I’m having a break from essay writing I’d thought I’d provide a brief update. The past few weeks have been really, really hectic. I’m in my final year of undergraduate study at university, and though I do not think the work has necessarily become harder, I feel that there’s far more of it, resulting in later nights and earlier mornings. By the end of the next week I’ll have written close to 12,000 words, so I can’t wait to have a little break before resuming semester two. Studying with a chronic, long-term condition can be really very stressful, so I can’t wait to have a breather, take some analgesia and hopefully feel like myself again.
There’s LOADS of things I’d like to share on here, too. I’ve been lucky enough to have some great products that have really helped during this time. My dad knows how painful I find essay writing, and so he was kind enough to buy me a RelaxWell Dreamland throw which has become a new favourite of mine! I’ll let you know how I’ve been getting on with it.
I’ve also been slowly (yet surely) ploughing through my box of DeGusta goodies, and I’ll be able to update you on my progress with it. Food is definitely something I look forward to during an intensive assessment period, so it’s always wonderful to have a break, eat some really delicious food, and then have the energy to resume working. It almost makes the work bearable!
It is with regret I must finish this post and resume reading. I hope to update you all really soon, and look after yourselves until then.