Inadequate

I am struggling recently.

At the minute, I literally see no redeeming features in myself. I feel ugly. My acne is coming back. I hate the way my crooked spine looks in the mirror. I hate the way I get frustrated with the pain and cry. I hate the way I’m taking tablets to ease the pain and hate the way they don’t always work.

I hate the fact I cannot control my body, no matter how hard I try. I wake up in pain, and o fall asleep with pain.

I hate that my automatic response is to push everything I love away. I hate that I can’t concentrate on anything for more than five minutes at a time.
I hate that I’m at multiple hospitals and doctors appointments every week.
I have no faith in my academic abilities, or my social relationships, or any other extra curricular thing I attempt to do.

I hate that when I’m happy – or when there is a glimmer of happiness – that these thoughts come rushing back.

The ones that tell me I do not deserve happiness. I do not deserve success. I do not deserve love.

The ones that tell me, over and over, that I deserve this pain I’m in. I deserve this pain because I’m such an awful person.

I am just so fed up. I keep going round in circles and I can’t keep doing it. I can’t. This is all too much.

I just want to be far away from all this madness. Somewhere free of responsibility, free of doctors prescribing new medication or performing new treatments or trying their best to fix me.

I am just overwhelmed by how inadequate I feel.

I just want it to stop.

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5 thoughts on “Inadequate

  1. My heart is aching after reading your post. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you everything is going to be alright. But really, I don’t know you and I don’t know what you are going through. I am not walking in your shoes…and I don’t know how hard it must be for you. I am so sorry you are going through so much and feeling inadequate. We may not know each other but I know, without a doubt, that you are not inadequate. You do deserve happiness. You do deserve success. You do deserve love. You deserve all of this and more. I have no brilliant wisdom to share…I have nothing to offer but my ear to listen and my hope for you. Wishing you the strength you need to persevere and wishing you kindness…especially to yourself ((hugs))

    1. Thank you so, so much for taking the time to post this. You’ve no idea how much I appreciate it. You are a wonderful person and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  2. Heather, honey, you KNOW all of that is not true. You deserve all the love, all the success, and all the happiness in the world. You are one of the most beautiful people I know. You are kind and thoughtful and you were my friend when I needed a friend, and even though you face struggles daily, you choose to carry on. That’s pretty damn amazing. I can’t possibly understand the pain your conditions put you in, but I wish that it was not yours to bear. The bad thoughts I do understand. They are liars, babe, and you know it. No matter what they try to tell you, you tell them to fuck right off. I’m on my way to Hull right now, so if you’re up for it one day this week, I’ll pop over and make us both tea and we’ll just sit, and you can tell me all about or we can just sit in silence. Whatever you wanna do. If you’re not up to it, that’s okay and I understand. You have my number chicken, you know where I am xxxxx

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