I am struggling recently.
At the minute, I literally see no redeeming features in myself. I feel ugly. My acne is coming back. I hate the way my crooked spine looks in the mirror. I hate the way I get frustrated with the pain and cry. I hate the way I’m taking tablets to ease the pain and hate the way they don’t always work.
I hate the fact I cannot control my body, no matter how hard I try. I wake up in pain, and o fall asleep with pain.
I hate that my automatic response is to push everything I love away. I hate that I can’t concentrate on anything for more than five minutes at a time.
I hate that I’m at multiple hospitals and doctors appointments every week.
I have no faith in my academic abilities, or my social relationships, or any other extra curricular thing I attempt to do.
I hate that when I’m happy – or when there is a glimmer of happiness – that these thoughts come rushing back.
The ones that tell me I do not deserve happiness. I do not deserve success. I do not deserve love.
The ones that tell me, over and over, that I deserve this pain I’m in. I deserve this pain because I’m such an awful person.
I am just so fed up. I keep going round in circles and I can’t keep doing it. I can’t. This is all too much.
I just want to be far away from all this madness. Somewhere free of responsibility, free of doctors prescribing new medication or performing new treatments or trying their best to fix me.
I am just overwhelmed by how inadequate I feel.
I just want it to stop.