Learning

It may be a cliché, but it’s true: you do learn something new everyday. With every new day I’m learning more and more about myself. I’m learning that thought things may be difficult, I can find a way to work through them. I am learning that I am resilient if I give myself the right conditions. I am learning to try and accept the things I cannot change; I’m not being pessimistic, but realistic. I am giving myself time, and this is something I’ve always struggled with.

Part of my problem living with both my physical conditions and my mental illnesses is I don’t cut myself any slack. Though I know I’m technically ill – and that I can’t necessarily help it – I’m always beating myself up about things. I’m always wishing that I could do more, that I should push myself  and just deal with the consequences later. I know this isn’t productive as it’s a really destructive habit but it’s hard to accept that sometimes you need to do things a little differently to get by.

But, I think things are starting to change ever so slowly.

Yesterday was one of ‘those’ days. The night before I barely slept (perhaps slept for four hours in total) and my anxiety was running wild. I kept convincing myself that the shadows on the wall were people/scary things (yes, I know it’s totally irrational) and the usual narrative of ‘nobody likes you, you’ll get nowhere, you’re worth nothing, everything is terrible and you deserve it’ was circling around my head. It  was just a terrible, teary, ridiculous night. And as is usual after a night like that these feelings continued into the morning. I woke up feeling pretty low, but this sadness descended into complete emptiness and before I knew it I was crying uncontrollably on the floor.

I know. It really was quite a scene.

I was due in a seminar in the morning and the thought of missing it made me feel horrendous. Yet I knew I was no use to anyone unless they wanted to witness someone crying for the whole three hours of course. Drew – being the lovely person he is – tried to calm me down and convinced me to stay at home. I felt so incredibly guilty about it, but for the first time, I didn’t really put up a fight. I knew I couldn’t go in – there was no point lying about it – and suddenly I realised it will all be okay.

It is all okay.

As I suspected, the department were completely and utterly lovely about it all. They’ve offered help and support to help me through the remainder of my MRes course and no, despite what my anxious-brain thinks, no one hates me. No one has bad feelings towards me. They understand and are there to help.

And sure enough, after my day off yesterday filled with guinea pig cuddles and animal crossing and cups of tea in bed, I am feeling a lot better today.

Living with mental illness is a constant battle with yourself. it’s a constant struggle with your emotions. It’s knowing you’re not well but desperately trying to fight it. It is a constant, uphill battle.

But I can work through this. And I will.

Today is a more positive day. I cleaned out the guinea pigs and fed them tomatoes and carrots and gave them cuddles. I’ve even washed up some crockery and tried to tidy up the living room which is something I couldn’t face yesterday. I’ve had a frothy coffee (my Tassimo coffee in the mornings is such a treat) and I’m planning to bake some banana muffins.

Today can be a good day if just cut yourself some slack. You’re human; you are no superhero (although of course you are always magical and wonderful).

I hope you’re having a happy Tuesday whatever you’re doing. If my banana muffins prove successful, I’ll try and get a recipe up for you all. Cross your fingers for me!

Take care of yourself,

Heather x

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8 thoughts on “Learning

  1. What a show of strength and resilience. Whilst I know it didn’t start off well, it was a pleasure to read this. Plough through the bad to get to the good. You’ve come out the other end of a dark tunnel and your new positivity is astounding. You are very strong and I’m so glad to see that you feel this way. You definitely deserve to cut yourself soesome slack. Everybody does. As you said.
    Hope your positivity continues to flow and enables you to keep feeling great!
    Lots of love.

    1. Many thanks for reading and thanks for your lovely comment, it really does make my day to hear things like that 😊 I do try to be strong, and I really appreciate your kindness. I hope you are having a great Tuesday and as always thanks for stopping by! Heather x

  2. When you feel an anxious thought coming, please try this: watch it, but don’t judge it. Allow it to be there. This way, you are cutting the link between your thought and emotion. You allow the energy to move through your body and out of it. You will then feel your true essence, which is untouched by anything you did or was done to you. You are surrounded by all the love and help you need. Always. Namaste.

  3. Thank you. You are wonderful. I have had too many of those nights with the same mantra running through my head. Reading about someone else’s experience and seeing your honesty is incredible. Your words are comforting and mean more to me than I can express.

    1. Hi there Kelly 😊 thank you for stopping by! I am so incredibly glad you’ve found comfort in this post: it really helps knowing others are going through the same thing and I’m so happy this post has had that effect on you. I really, truly appreciate you taking the time post comment. Take care and best wishes, Heather x

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