I’m so tantalisingly close to finishing my work for my final undergraduate year. I’m so close but I just feel so defeated. I have lost faith in my abilities to construct a good piece of work. I have lost faith in my body because even when I try to push through – to try and push past the pain – the pain still exists. It hangs around, it takes hostage of my body, and does everything in its power to screw things up.
It’s taking all of my mental strength to keep this up.
Today I’m feeling depressed for the first time since my meds started working. Not like the hot, burning anxiety that is always somewhere in the background despite my meds, but that sinking, I-Have-Nothing-Good-To-Contribute-To-Anything/I’m-Shit-Compared-To-Everyone-Else feeling. It’s a swelling numbness that flows through my veins, it is slowly disabling me and I don’t know how to alleviate it.
My dissertation is in tomorrow. I still have to tidy it up and format it. I’m so, so incredibly worried that it’s just a whole pile of shit and not worth anything at all. It’s embarrassing me.
I’m embarrassing me.
I’m hoping I can compose myself soon. It’s going to be a long, long night.