Tag: anxiety

9th April, 2015

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Hello there, you lovely reader. If you’ve been catching up with my blog this week you’ll have noticed that I’ve been doing ‘Happiness is…’ posts to try and get me to focus on the happy things in my day-to-day life. I think when you deal with anxiety & depression on a daily basis you really need a reminder of the good things. It’s all too easy to get stuck in that suffocating perpetual darkness. However I’m doing a slightly different post right now because today has been really difficult and I think talking through it might prove somewhat cathartic.

My anxiety today was really, really bad. You know when you can feel it coming, so you desperately attempt to suppress it but find out it’s going to burst through anyway? Yes? That was today. It all started with a few events from yesterday. Last night I burnt my wrist on my left hand. I am left-handed but I also have a mild form of spastic hemiplegia (a form of cerebral palsy) in my right side. The easiest way to describe this is as if it’s a stroke; it’s exactly the same kind of thing, but because the brain injury occurred before my birth, it’s classed as cerebral palsy. Because of this hemiplegia it’s difficult to use my right hand, arm, leg and foot so burning myself fairly badly on my good wrist was completely stupid and silly. Of course I didn’t do it on purpose, but I wish I’d have been a bit more careful. Sigh.

So this morning in the shower I had to dangle my burnt left wrist out of the cubicle, whilst I attempted to wash my hair etc. with my hemi hand. This proved difficult, so much so I gave up after trying to lather the shampoo in my hair for 15 mins. I rinsed myself as quickly as I could and got out. I was frustrated with it. Having hemiplegia is really annoying and I didn’t realise how much I rely on my left hand until today. It’s almost like there’s a loose connection in my right hand, because you know what you want your hand/leg to do but it isn’t quite doing it. It’s like there’s something missing, something absent, something wired incorrectly.

Because of this I think I felt a whole lot worse than usual. Additionally, I had a bad, anxious night last night. So I shouldn’t be surprised that today was terrible, but there you go. I headed out to get my burn looked at in the pharmacy, having done my make up nicely (or so I hoped). Things were relatively fine with the anxiety until I realised I’d been sold the wrong type of product for my burn. Then, I tried to apply the thing I’d bought to my burn with my hemi hand. Needless to say I couldn’t do this very well so gave up. This further added to my frustration and because my anxiety was bad anyway, it started to worsen as I left the pharmacy. I was focussed on getting home, but generally I was okay if not a little annoyed that the product was not what I had wanted despite having asked for it.

A minute or so down the road, a balloon popped in my left ear as I walked past a cafe. This proved to be the last straw.

If anyone knows anything about neurological disorders, you’d know they often come with a healthy heightened startle reflex. Basically I jump at a lot of noises people wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at. Balloons popping, fireworks, gunshot and other loud bangs are really bad and I jump very suddenly. I can’t help it; I can’t predict if or when it’s going to happen. Some days I’m worse than others. It makes your heart beat really fast, gives you a feeling of fear and panic and becomes unbearable. Anxiety makes this reaction even worse as I’ve found out. I started to panic, I was really fearful and upset and I just needed to get out of the situation. I started to cry, things had got too much and I didn’t know what to do. I was alone. I tried to ring Drew but there was no answer. I cried so much I could feel my mascara running into my eyes and down my cheeks. I know I must’ve looked an absolute mess.

I hurried home to get to a safe spac, when luckily Drew rang back. He calmed me down, and I managed to stop panicking. I couldn’t believe it. Why had this happened? With my counselling a regular thing, I thought I’d got past this stage. It wasn’t just embarrassing, but incredibly disappointing. I feel like I’ve taken one step forward and ten steps back.

So today has not at all been very happy. I did manage to get some reading done, however, so that was a bit of a relief. I just wish I could get over these situations and get on with living life, without having to worry about popping into a shop or bumping into someone or any other trivial, silly thing. I’m hoping that tomorrow I’ll have some happy things to share with you.

I’m sorry for my long, poorly-articulated rant. I’m currently in bed surrounded by soft toys and Chinese takeaway, so please do excuse me.
I hope your Thursday has been a little bit more positive. I’m hoping tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Heather

Happiness is…

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In an effort to keep my mood up and hopefully get out of this horrible, low, blue stage (something I hoped would have passed by now, but I’m struggling to shake it) I’m aiming to focus on some happy/lovely/funny moments or things i’ve encountered during the day. I’m aiming for five things/moments/times that have been particularly lovely, no matter how trivial. For instance I take great delight in my morning coffee as it’s a thing of joy and a happy start to my day (somewhat silly but definitely true). Hopefully this will be a fairly frequent (if not daily) occurence but the phrase ‘famous last words’ springs to mind as I write this.

Reflecting on 7th April 2015:

1. my frothy coffee in the morning; the buzz of caffeine, the bittersweetness

2. the beaming sun and blue skies as i walked around campus

3. talking to friends about silly things whilst preparing my dinner (whilst watching them knit)

4. listening to Sylvia Plath’s interviews which filled me with joy (her voice is so different to what I’d expected, yet so eloquent and wonderful and beautiful to listen to)

5. skyping with Drew as I haven’t seen him in a while. It’s always comforting to see a familiar face.

Let’s keep our fingers crossed that this will be a regular feature, eh? We could all do with a little reminder of some happy times.

I hope you’ve had a wonderful Tuesday,

Heather

On the Mend

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It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here, and for that I do apologise. Things have been extremely busy with university study, but I thought now would be apt to share my recent experiences particularly with regards to the counselling treatment I’ve started (see https://nosuperhero.wordpress.com/2015/02/28/validation/ ). I have to say I didn’t really know what to expect when it came to my first session; the only ‘insight’ I’ve had into counselling/therapy consisted of jokey allusions to it via shows such as Family Guy which is perhaps rather unfortunate. The set up was what I expected though: me and the counsellor in a small room, perhaps with a cup of tea, boxes of tissues and sheets of paper to fill out. My first steps into the room were apprehensive ones. Though I knew it was an amazing thing to have got there, I still wanted to turn back and leave. I wanted to turn around, run through the front door and seamlessly merge back into the crowds walking the streets of Hull; I didn’t want to have my life probed and picked apart. I knew though that there was no going back. This could prove to be the beginning of something wonderful, something life-changing.

After completing the mandatory paperwork (filling out scales 1-10, ‘how easy has it been for you to get out and about? etc) the session started. Almost immediately afterwards, the tears began to flow. Tears not only of anxiety and sadness and frustration, but tears of relief. Someone was sat in front of me who genuinely seemed to express an interest and concern for my life. They made me feel (for once!) at ease somewhat. And most of all, things started to make sense. I’ve had two sessions so far and I’d like to think I’m finally on the right track, or at least headed in the right direction, whichever that is. I’m under no illusions. I know this will take time and although each session has been emotionally exhausting, I just feel like for once I can see a glimpse of light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. It’s a glimmer of light I couldn’t be happier to see.

Here’s to hope and new beginnings…

Heather

Validation

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Hi everyone. I hope you are having a great Saturday. This will be another somewhat informative post following on from the last, https://nosuperhero.wordpress.com/2015/02/23/anxiety-taking-baby-steps/ Yesterday was a real turning point for me. In my last post you might remember I opened up about my struggles with anxiety and coming to terms with the fact that I’m at a point where I need some help. Yesterday was my first appointment with regards to my anxiety, often referred to as a mental health assessment. It was a really weird day. As expected, I was really worried about going. I knew it was the one thing I needed to do to keep the ball rolling, but that alone wasn’t enough to stop me from panicking. I knew I was going to find the day tough, so I wanted to take things slowly. Drew was kind enough to offer to come with me, so in the morning I opted to make us breakfast. I attempted to make American pancakes filled with blueberries, and although they looked alright they were slightly underdone in the middle. I got really upset about this; it’s such a silly thing, but at the time those pancakes felt like the most important thing in the world. We managed to rectify them, but by the time they were okay I was too upset to eat them. It appeared that breakfast time set the mood for the entirety of the day. They did look okay, though.

Pancakes for breakfast

The journey to the health centre was filled with anxiety. After being coerced to leave the house by Drew (which resulted in tears), I sat panicking whilst waiting for a taxi at the local taxi rank. Once the taxi arrived, I felt somewhat relieved, (at least I wasn’t going to be late) but I was on the way to a part of town I’ve barely heard of before, nevermind visited. The wait in the waiting room was horrendous. It was loud, uncomfortable and my appointment ended up being nearly half an hour later than intended. I was jumpy and close to tears, so it took all my strength to stay. Drew and I did decide that we’d make pizzas from scratch for dinner, which did help a little. At least I had the thought of homemade pizzas to look forward to! By the time I was called in I was overly emotional. Almost as soon as I sat in the room I burst into tears. It was at this point I realised I’d have to recount some very painful and traumatic memories. Once this was over however, I knew I’d be one step closer to the help I so desperately needed.

The hour seems like a complete blur to me. There were questions after questions, and lots of numerical scales to fill out. I was constantly worried that I’d give the wrong answer or say the wrong thing, but I got through it. I knew anxiety was the issue, so it came as no surprise that they said I have severe anxiety (according to the scales, so not neccessarily completely accurate but definitely in the right area). What was a bit odd was the conclusion that I also have moderate depression. Initially I was surprised, but it does make a lot of sense having thought about it. With these conclusions came overwhelming relief. Finally, someone was telling me the things I’ve been going through aren’t normal. Someone actually sat and told me that these feelings aren’t a figment of my imagination. They provided the validation that I needed, the validation that said ‘yes, I am entitled to help’, and ‘yes, I can and will receive that help’. I’m so glad I stayed. I’m so glad I got through that appointment, despite the tears and my bright red face.

I have decided that counselling will be the first port of call. I think having an outlet where I can vent my frustrations and anxieties will help me immensely. They did mention medication; that’s something I am open to thinking about, but for now I want to try alternative measures.

I left the appointment feeling both relieved and apprehensive. What will come next? Will it help? I’m certain I can get through this. I’m under no illusions and I know it will take time. But making that first step means the solution is nearer than it was before, and that can only be a good thing. I went and bought a new mini cupcake tray, pizza and cake ingredients.

Yes, we did make pizzas. They were definitely worth the wait.

pizza for two

mmm

I also went ahead and made cupcakes. Expect a recipe post soon as they were pretty good considering baking is a weakness of mine. This whole weekend is turning into a cooking weekend, as tonight I’m attempting to make a lasagne with handmade pasta. Cooking is proving to be great therapy.

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I think brighter days are certainly on the horizon.

Have a  brilliant weekend, whatever you may be up to.

Heather

Anxiety: Taking Baby Steps

htlcy3 Comments

Hello! I hope Monday got off to a great start for you. It’s been a fairly busy few days, and I thought it’d be quite nice to incorporate these journalistic posts into my blogging routine. Blogging after all is extremely cathartic for me, and sometimes it’s great to change things up a bit. What I haven’t really been so open about on here is my recent struggles with anxiety, but if you follow me on twitter I’m sure you’ve been able to follow various updates (that are admittedly fairly angry and annoying) about my general health and emotional wellbeing.  I can’t say I’ve ever been a laid-back person. I’m the kind of person who worries about how they’re going to answer a question in a seminar, or if I’ve somehow come across rudely, or whether or not I’ll be able to head into uni without panicking about it first. When I was younger I’d worry so much I’d work myself into a fit of tears, crying in bed as my stomach twisted and turned, my pillow damp with tears. Of course, I can’t really say why I worried like this. All I know is that I did, and it was very real. There was no stopping my worrying. My mum would constantly tell me I was making myself sick with worry (which was often the case), I’d catastrophize every situation, and I’d get that same stomach-churning, knotting sensation deep in my tummy. I remember many a night, prior to associated board vocal exams finding myself in a state of panic; ‘What if I forget the words? What If I can’t sight-read the piece? What if I sound absolutely awful?’ Although I passed these exams very well, the panic never ceased. The same occurred for every music concert, every question answered in class, and every time I over thought an embarrassing situation. It’s not an easy way to be, but I didn’t know how to be any different. I couldn’t stop it, no matter how hard I tried. Even as a tiny child, I remember the panic  that ensued when I even so much as thought about being in trouble. It frightened me.

This anxiety has never ceased, but it has definitely developed into a different beast. Since being diagnosed with Scheuermann’s, I’ve noticed the relationship between my pain levels and my anxiety (and vice-versa). Some days when I am having a particularly difficult pain day, I get what I can only describe as a ‘feeling of doom’ inside my stomach, like something unbearably bad is about to happen. This is the same for the painful symptoms associated with my hemiplegia. When both my back and hemiplegia are very painful, it’s an absolute recipe for disaster. I’m sure it’s a feeling some of you are more than familiar with.

In April last year  my anxiety really spiraled out of control. I was definitely at my worst: something extremely traumatic had occurred at home, and I was one to help pick up the pieces. I don’t want to go into things, it’s very painful and extremely upsetting, but it’s something I had no control over which only made things worse. Things got so bad I couldn’t leave the house, especially when on my own. If I managed to get into uni, usually with my boyfriend accompanying me, I’d panic as soon as I realised I’d have to sit in a room with people, so I had to go back home. I’d continually cry. It was like the tears wouldn’t stop rolling down my cheeks, no matter how hard I tried. My heart was beating out of my chest, I couldn’t eat, and I felt so nauseous I didn’t feel like eating even if I tried. I felt so alone, in unbearable amounts of pain, and unable to obtain help because I felt terrified every time I left the safety net of my bedroom. I couldn’t even talk to my housemates. It was a really, really bad time.

Over summer the situation that was the main contributing factor to my anxiety stopped being as much of a problem. I was still anxious about everything, but not in the ‘housebound way’ I had been previously. Things looked better for me. I no longer felt like despairing. Things weren’t completely fine, but I felt better. Unfortunately I’ve had  a slight relapse; the original situation that caused such heartache last year hasn’t gone away, and I’m not sure it ever will. This is the most painful part, because I feel like the same thing is going to happen again if I don’t take preventative measures. I have however managed to ask for help. People tell me this is a huge step, so I only hope they’re right. I’m going to see someone Friday  (I did originally have an appointment last week that was cancelled at very short notice, which is never a good thing) but I’m hoping something useful will come out of it.

It’s easy to feel you’re completely alone when going through anxiety and other related conditions. I know now that I should have sought help a long time before now, but I’ve set the ball rolling and that’s the important thing. There are the resources out there, it’s just a matter of seeking them out. Surround yourself with people you can trust, with people who will help you through this  difficult time. I’m reluctant to take medication if I can absolutely help it. This is not because I think medication is a bad thing; I know it’s a lifeline for some people and that’s fantastic, but for personal reasons I’d like to see if I can manage my anxiety in a different way. I’ll keep you updated on my progress.

Just don’t give up. You will find a way.

Heather

bad day

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As I sit here typing this I can see the dull gloom of the sky outside, and the flickering light of candles on a desk. The landscape reflects my mood; the sun is absent, not even a patch of blue is to be seen and the sky is so overwhelmingly grey. Today is a grey day, and my mood seems similar. I feel dejected, stressed, tired and everything else that comes along with it. I’m at a stage where I’m really resenting things. I resent my body; I resent my body right now because I wake up in pain and I fall asleep in pain, it hurts to walk and it hurts to sit, and all the silly, mundane things that need doing in everyday life seem impossible and difficult. Washing my clothes is an ordeal, making my bed is a challenge, and cleaning the house leaves me in so much pain I can’t do anything for the remainder of the day. I feel hopeless. I feel ashamed of my body, and even more ashamed of the way it makes me feel. Today the pain in my body is taking it’s toll. I feel robbed of the opportunity to do things without having to think of their consequences. I am constantly weighing up the pros and cons of analgesia, knowing that either way I can’t win. Today I am realising that I struggle and it’s the struggle that’s the hardest to address. I am stubborn; but there’s only so much I can take on the bad days.

I’m hoping for a brighter tomorrow.

The Importance of Relaxation

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I have to admit I’ve always been a stressed out, anxious person. It’s in my nature to worry about everything, and sometimes this worry is completely overwhelming and all-consuming. Coupled with chronic pain, my anxiety can spiral out of control. Being in pain almost constantly is physically exhausting, and can really affect you mentally. When I was younger I acted as if my cerebral palsy and Scheuermann’s didn’t exist. I think this was my ‘coping strategy’, but of course I wasn’t really coping with anything at all, I was just denying the existence of my medical conditions. Since moving to university I’ve recognised this, and during the past year or so I decided I needed to really work out a way of coping with the pain and stress that comes along with chronic medical conditions.

I cannot emphasise how extremely important it is to have rest days and to relax your body and mind if you’re dealing with a health condition such as cerebral palsy. Even if you’re not living with a chronic medical condition, you still need to give yourself time out to truly relax and to forget the worries in your life. When I was younger I thought it was perfectly fine to be completely wiped out from exhaustion after a day shopping, or to be in agonising pain after sitting to eat a meal in a restaurant. Yes, it’s normal for me to be in pain, but my body needs time to recuperate and get back to its normal self. There’s a few ways I do this, and I thought it would be a useful thing to share with you all.

Heat therapy is so relaxing. From a bubbly hot bath, to a hot water bottle and my trusty heat pad, heat therapy is soothing and relaxing for my body. I particularly like the homedics range and I own the shiatsu back massager, shiatsu neck massager and hand held massager with interchangable massaging heads. Below is a link to their products through boots: http://www.boots.com/en/Homedics/

I also love the heat packs that you heat in the microwave. I own a particularly cute one in the shape of a cuddly rabbit! These are relatively cheap compared to the homedics range, and can really help on sore days.

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Having hot baths with some pamper goodies can really help me out, too. The Body Shop stock some gorgeous products and you can always find lots of voucher and discount codes online if you type in ‘body shop codes’ into your search engine. Using high quality pamper goodies doesn’t always have to break the bank, so stock up if there’s a particularly good offer on. Recently my boyfriend purchased £40 worth of products for £20, which is an absolute bargain!

I also love candles. When I’m needing a rest day, I’ll get some reading together and spend the whole day in bed, taking painkillers as and when I need to. Putting a few candles on can really create a lovely soothing atmosphere. I also love my mooncandles, which are flameless and battery operated. You can change the colours of the ‘candles’ using the remote they come with, and they’re really very pretty. I purchased mine from Tesco. You can also purchase them online. I apologise for the picture, but it’s very difficult to capture just how pretty they are on camera!

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Having de-caffeinated drinks is a must when I’m feeling anxious or in a lot of pain. Though I thoroughly enjoy coffee and tea, I find herbal teas are particularly soothing on a stressful, painful day. I love Twinings Camomile and Honey, or the Twinings Peppermint Infusion. I was also introduced to Peanut Hottie at the Hull bloggers meet, and this is becoming a firm favourite. If you’re a fan of peanut butter, I suggest you give it a go!

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For my 21st birthday, I was spoilt rotten by all my wonderful family and friends. My boyfriend did make me a desk top zen garden as one of my gifts, and I’ve found it a really lovely way to relax. I wouldn’t say I’m particularly into the concept of zen or Buddhism, but raking the sand whilst stressed is a great way to relax yourself. Plus, it makes for a very unique object and you can create lovely works of ‘art’ in the sand with a mini rake. Zen gardens are available to purchase ready made online, however my boyfriend made this out of a photo frame. He glued the glass into the frame and turned the frame over. All he had to do then was buy the sand and objects to go into the zen garden, and he let me assemble it myself. It’s such a thoughtful gift, and it’s a true pleasure to own it. For secret Santa, my housemate thoughtfully bought me an oil burner with a selection of essential oils. This is such a fantastic gift for me and the essential oils create a soothing atmosphere in my room. Alongside my zen garden, it creates my very own relaxing space, and it’s really great!

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Buying a bouquet of flowers or a plant for my room instantly brightens up the place and so makes me feel more relaxed. I loved these gorgeous yellow roses. I arranged them in my marmite tea pot, and I thought they looked really lovely.

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I hope I’ve given you some inspiration. Hopefully in no time you’ll have a relaxing place of your very own!

All the best for the rest of the weekend,
Heather