9th April, 2015

Hello there, you lovely reader. If you’ve been catching up with my blog this week you’ll have noticed that I’ve been doing ‘Happiness is…’ posts to try and get me to focus on the happy things in my day-to-day life. I think when you deal with anxiety & depression on a daily basis you really need a reminder of the good things. It’s all too easy to get stuck in that suffocating perpetual darkness. However I’m doing a slightly different post right now because today has been really difficult and I think talking through it might prove somewhat cathartic.

My anxiety today was really, really bad. You know when you can feel it coming, so you desperately attempt to suppress it but find out it’s going to burst through anyway? Yes? That was today. It all started with a few events from yesterday. Last night I burnt my wrist on my left hand. I am left-handed but I also have a mild form of spastic hemiplegia (a form of cerebral palsy) in my right side. The easiest way to describe this is as if it’s a stroke; it’s exactly the same kind of thing, but because the brain injury occurred before my birth, it’s classed as cerebral palsy. Because of this hemiplegia it’s difficult to use my right hand, arm, leg and foot so burning myself fairly badly on my good wrist was completely stupid and silly. Of course I didn’t do it on purpose, but I wish I’d have been a bit more careful. Sigh.

So this morning in the shower I had to dangle my burnt left wrist out of the cubicle, whilst I attempted to wash my hair etc. with my hemi hand. This proved difficult, so much so I gave up after trying to lather the shampoo in my hair for 15 mins. I rinsed myself as quickly as I could and got out. I was frustrated with it. Having hemiplegia is really annoying and I didn’t realise how much I rely on my left hand until today. It’s almost like there’s a loose connection in my right hand, because you know what you want your hand/leg to do but it isn’t quite doing it. It’s like there’s something missing, something absent, something wired incorrectly.

Because of this I think I felt a whole lot worse than usual. Additionally, I had a bad, anxious night last night. So I shouldn’t be surprised that today was terrible, but there you go. I headed out to get my burn looked at in the pharmacy, having done my make up nicely (or so I hoped). Things were relatively fine with the anxiety until I realised I’d been sold the wrong type of product for my burn. Then, I tried to apply the thing I’d bought to my burn with my hemi hand. Needless to say I couldn’t do this very well so gave up. This further added to my frustration and because my anxiety was bad anyway, it started to worsen as I left the pharmacy. I was focussed on getting home, but generally I was okay if not a little annoyed that the product was not what I had wanted despite having asked for it.

A minute or so down the road, a balloon popped in my left ear as I walked past a cafe. This proved to be the last straw.

If anyone knows anything about neurological disorders, you’d know they often come with a healthy heightened startle reflex. Basically I jump at a lot of noises people wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at. Balloons popping, fireworks, gunshot and other loud bangs are really bad and I jump very suddenly. I can’t help it; I can’t predict if or when it’s going to happen. Some days I’m worse than others. It makes your heart beat really fast, gives you a feeling of fear and panic and becomes unbearable. Anxiety makes this reaction even worse as I’ve found out. I started to panic, I was really fearful and upset and I just needed to get out of the situation. I started to cry, things had got too much and I didn’t know what to do. I was alone. I tried to ring Drew but there was no answer. I cried so much I could feel my mascara running into my eyes and down my cheeks. I know I must’ve looked an absolute mess.

I hurried home to get to a safe spac, when luckily Drew rang back. He calmed me down, and I managed to stop panicking. I couldn’t believe it. Why had this happened? With my counselling a regular thing, I thought I’d got past this stage. It wasn’t just embarrassing, but incredibly disappointing. I feel like I’ve taken one step forward and ten steps back.

So today has not at all been very happy. I did manage to get some reading done, however, so that was a bit of a relief. I just wish I could get over these situations and get on with living life, without having to worry about popping into a shop or bumping into someone or any other trivial, silly thing. I’m hoping that tomorrow I’ll have some happy things to share with you.

I’m sorry for my long, poorly-articulated rant. I’m currently in bed surrounded by soft toys and Chinese takeaway, so please do excuse me.
I hope your Thursday has been a little bit more positive. I’m hoping tomorrow will be a brighter day.


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