Things Cerebral Palsy and Scheuermann’s Related – Page 3

Pain Management: My Experiences

September 25, 2015 htlcyLeave a comment

Hello there. I’m currently writing from underneath a cosy blanket on the sofa. I suppose I have no excuse to be so lazy really, but I promise I am dressed and have made breakfast and have done all the Adult Things that you’re meant to do in a morning. I’m not feeling 100% today, but I’m a damn sight better than I was on Wednesday, so that can only be a good thing. The sky is blue, the sun is shining and I have the flat to myself so I’m watching countless hours of daytime tv with copious volumes of tea to keep me going.

What I thought I’d write about today are my experiences of attending various pain management appointments. If you’re a regular reader you may be aware that I live with several chronic conditions and a couple of these cause varying degrees of pain. Due to the nature of my medical conditions there are no cures or quick fixes, and so I will have to deal with the resulting chronic pain. Though this takes some getting used to and can be mentally testing, I’m just going to outline my experiences with pain management and the physical side of things.

Some people I know really aren’t keen on the term pain management: they find it patronising, and possibly a little too vague (medical conditions affect everyone differently after all!) but I think I’m okay with it. For me, it took a very long time to accept that I needed help, and an even lengthier time realising that it’s okay to ask for help. Terminology aside, pain management basically deals with reducing the amount of pain one feels on a daily basis, and tries to enable those with chronic pain a better quality of life, including improved sleep, reduced fatigue and hopefully less pain = increased wellbeing. As many doctors have explained, pain levels affect a person’s mental health and outlook on life, and I can completely relate to this. Chronic pain is stressful; it is scary, it makes me irritable, and what’s worse is I don’t know how it will affect me in the future. So for me, I knew I wanted to give pain management a shot.

My first appointments started when I was around sixteen, and involved trialling various pain-management methods to find out which were the ones to provide the most relief. The treatments can vary greatly depending on your condition, but I started out with medical patches – namely a lidocaine plaster – which consists of a sticky patch impregnated with analgesia of some kind that adheres to the part of the body experiencing pain. I didn’t really rate these, so we moved on to alternative treatments, which included the use of TENS machines, capsaicin cream, laser treatment, corticosteroid injections, acupuncture and the last resort: pregabalin.As you can probably gather I ended up trying a lot of things. None of these really did anything for me, which can be really disheartening, I know. But I held out hope. And recently, I’ve found a pain management technique which works and has definitely reduced my musculo-skeletal pain.

So what is this pain-management miracle?

ACUPUNCTURE!

yes, you did indeed read that correctly! Acupuncture has really made my pain so much easier to deal with. And no, this isn’t just like traditional acupuncture; it does have some medical basis to it, seen here, on the NHS website. Although sometimes unpleasant, acupuncture has become an integral weapon in battling the pain I experience on a daily basis, and though this solution has been a long time coming (a whole 5 years since my first foray into the world of pain medicine!) it has really restored my faith in pain management.

Pain management can be an odd thing; it can be unsettling to ask for help, and it can be even more unsettling when things don’t quite go the way you’d hoped. But if you persevere like I did, you might find something that just works for you, or at least, as in my case, definitely helps. Pain management is no quick fix unfortunately but it is there, and I highly recommend you check out what the service has to offer you.

I’m all too aware that this is a slightly rambly-post, but I hope you understand what I mean. Have you tried pain management? And if so, what did you think?

Thank goodness it’s Friday! Best wishes for the weekend,

Heather x

New Starts

August 31, 2015 htlcy2 Comments

Hello, lovely reader. Sorry it has been a little quite over here, but I’m finally feeling ready to get blogging again. My summer job really took it out of me physically and I had to get emergency appointments for uncontrollable pain and a couple of days off which made me feel completely awful. However, I’m currently relaxing under a fluffy blanket and feel like I have the strength needed to write a little informative post. After what has been a challenging year, I’m beginning to think that this month has been a turning point, particularly with regards my mental health. I’m sat in my flat (I only just moved into it a few days ago) surrounded by lovely, wonderful things,and everything feels so bright and colourful and fresh. I am on the ground floor which makes painful days so much easier and there’s a big garden i can look at through the living room window. There are a couple of cats that hang around in the garden, and right at the very end is a genuine ww2 air raid shelter, which is quite amazing. Drew is moving in fairly soon and I’m really looking forward to living together. It all feels very grown up but I’m really excited as we get on so well. I have wonderful friends I’m looking forward to seeing soon at university and I can’t wait to start my postgraduate course. Finally things are just blissfully falling into place and I’ve been going to bed with a big smile on my face almost every night and I can’t remember the last time ice felt this good! My pain is still very much present but I’m in a good place mentally and feel that I can deal with it; I’m just feeling so positive. I’m really, REALLY glad that I made the decision to take medication for my anxiety/depression. It’s truly changed my life and I’m so grateful to get what feels like a second chance.

Yesterday I went to the Hull Bloggers summer meet, which was a truly wonderful day, filled with chat, nibbles, interesting brands and many goodies! Expect a post explaining the day soon with reviews of wonderful goodies to follow! I’m in a Good Place right now, and I’m sure it’ll only improve after my pain management appointment tomorrow

Im sending love and positive vibes; I hope youve had a wonderful Monday 🙂

Heather x

Graduation Day

July 19, 2015 htlcyLeave a comment

Hi All! This week has been pretty momentous as far as weeks go, because I graduated from the University of Hull with a BA Hons degree in English! If you’ve been reading for a while you’d know I’ve come across some difficulties, so this is an achievement I’m really proud of.

Thankfully it was a wonderful day; not too hot and thankfully not too cold, so it was just perfect. Graduating was a really odd experience. Of course I had at least an idea about what it would entail but somehow it seemed almost an anti-climax! It wasn’t as scary as I’d anticipated it to be (and I didn’t fall over, so of course that’s a bonus!). The ceremony lasted about two hours, and we got robed and had photos taken in the Guildhall in the centre of Hull. Hull’s buildings are actually breathtakingly beautiful, and it was a real treat to see inside such historic landmarks of the city. We graduated in Hull’s City Hall which was also rather grand and lovely.

My boyfriend also graduated in the same ceremony which was lovely. He also graduated with a BA Hons degree but in History. I think he also really enjoyed the day.

I can’t believe how quickly these three years have flown by! It only seems like yesterday that I finished my A-Levels. Next year I’m hoping to move onto a masters degree, if I get my offer…keep those fingers crossed for me! What have you been up to this week?

keep your eyes peeled for the next post (also graduation-inspired) especially if you enjoy a little bit of something special!

Have a fabulous Sunday whatever you may be up to, and congratulations if you have also graduated/are due to graduate this week!

Heather x

It’s Wednesday

May 20, 2015 htlcyLeave a comment

Hello there lovely readers. This is just a super quick update really as I take a break from writing up essays and proof reading my dissertation! It’s all come around so quickly so I’m glad to be keeping on top of it. Things are a lot better since my last updates; couldn’t really deal with living at my own house so I’ve temporarily moved in with my boyfriend whilst I get my work out of the way. It’s definitely for the best, and it’s keeping my anxiety levels down. Pain levels are quite difficult to deal with at the moment but I know I can push through and get through the work. I’m not worried about that aspect of things at all. Just letting you know I haven’t abandoned this or anything, and I’ll be back to my regular rants/silly things as soon as possible. Also thought you’d like to know I’ve just set up a tumblr account as well, and you can find me at http://nosuperheroblog.tumblr.com/ . There isn’t much going on over there at the minute but I thought I’d give it a go to supplement my wordpress blog! Give me a follow if you wish and feel free to send me any links to your own accounts; I’d love to see what you’ve been up to!

All the best and happy Wednesday,

Heather x

What Not to Say to Someone With Chronic Illness and Disabilities

May 18, 2015 htlcy3 Comments

Hello there, and thanks for stopping by! This is going to be a slightly unusual post today, but it’s something I’d really like to share with you all. As you may know, I have a form of cerebral palsy- mild spastic hemiplegia – and a spinal condition called Scheuermann’s kyphosis. These are long-term illnesses, with no cure, so it’s just about learning to manage and live with the associated pain and mobility difficulties to ensure I have a good quality of life. What has been really shocking to learn is that people assume they’re an expert of chronic illness and think it wise to give out tips and advice. I know, we’ve all been there, but it’s something that never ceases to amaze me! After all, I know my body better than anyone, and I know how my conditions affect my day-to-day life. I just thought I’d share a few snippets of advice I’ve often found funny, and usually unhelpful. Some comments are pretty hurtful, but I know some are simply well-meant.

Just to clarify, this is not a dig at anyone at all, and this isn’t intended as something to offend any well-wishers: I just think it’s helpful to realise sometimes things aren’t always what they seem and maybe we can all think before we say something to someone. You never know how your words are going to affect someone else.

‘Chronic illness? But you look so well! How is this possible!?’

I get this a lot. I really do. And whilst I can appreciate I do look ‘fine’ most days, it can be very frustrating to hear. Firstly, it makes me feel fraudulent. No, I don’t use a wheelchair, and even when I use my walking stick I appear able to walk normally and without difficulty. However, I spend the majority of my day in constant pain, and it’s really wearisome having to reiterate this. Secondly, there’s also the idea that if I’m dressed up nicely or have make up on, that I can’t really be that ill, because, you know, I’ve made ‘an effort’. Having chronic illness doesn’t mean you have no desire to feel good. I still want to look as nice as the next person, and when I feel like it I really enjoy wearing a little bit of lipstick now and again. It just goes to show that you never know what’s underneath it all. (oh, I also enjoy wearing a bright shade of red when I can…makes me feel I can take on the world, especially on bad days!)

‘Why don’t you try exercise? I’ve heard it really helps [insert illness here].’

I have couple of things to say about this one. What I do seem to notice is people often recommend exercise when they don’t really understand the condition. Last year, someone asked what cerebral palsy was. Immediately upon hearing this, they proclaimed that exercise would cure it. Funny…they didn’t know what it was prior to asking! Though I know exercise is fantastic, and I do exercise as much as I can to keep my muscles as flexible as possible (particularly in my hemi side) sometimes the nature of my conditions limits me in terms of exercises. Some I simply can’t do. Most others leave me in a lot of pain. People also assume that I don’t try/never have tried/that I’m unfit anyway. I happen to walk quite a lot, and considering walking is something I find challenging, (particularly with regards to the palsy) this can sometimes be very painful and very tiring. However, I always try. Sometimes I try too much, end up walking for miles (often in a bid to push myself) and subsequently suffer for it. What I’m basically trying to say is don’t assume exercise is the be all and end all. It can be brilliant, but think about it: if you’re in severe pain, would the first activity to spring to mind be a jog/some workout at the gym? No? Didn’t think so. Also, I’ll add here that when I was at school I still used to take part in PE and sports days despite my medical conditions and difficulties. One memorable sports day I volunteered for a long distance running race. At school, very few people knew about my cerebral palsy, but when I crossed that finish line (I came fourth out of eight) it was amazing. I’d done it; I’d also competed against people with no mobility or pain issues. It was possible, but I won’t say it didn’t hurt. I can still think back to the feeling of intense burning, crampy, sickening pain in my hemi leg that followed. The PE teachers gave me some little gifts to say well done: they appreciated how difficult it must have been for me and I’m truly grateful for that. It’s an experience I won’t ever forget.

‘Ah, get well soon!’

I feel bad about including this comment, because this is obviously well-meant and I appreciate the sentiment. However, it is difficult to explain to people that my conditions won’t get better. I have done this once or twice, and I’m usually branded a pessimist. I just call it being realistic: there’s no cure for either. They fluctuate on a daily basis. Yes, some days are better than others. But I will be living with these for the rest of my life, and I have (mostly) come to terms with that. I’m still sad I included this one but hopefully you’ll understand what I mean!

‘You’re just an old lady really!’

This really, REALLY annoys me. This reiterates everything I feel about myself. Some days I wake up in so much pain I feel like I’m years older. I can’t do normal household chores without intense back pain, I can’t go shopping without my body hurting and I can’t do ‘younger people’ stuff like clubbing without things becoming very difficult. Of course I enjoy a good dance every now and then, but it becomes extremely painful. The next day is an issue not because of the ensuing hangover (well, at least not the majority of the time) but because my body is tired…it’s tired of the pain. Don’t call me an old lady. It’s never okay. It’s one of these things that really get to me. Calling me an old lady basically confirms all my worst fears. I have a hard enough time thinking of myself in this way, and I’d rather you didn’t add to that.

‘You’re just lazy/milking it’

I just don’t even know what drives people to say things like this. I didn’t choose to have these conditions. I can’t help that sometimes I need rest and relaxation. Just try putting yourself in someone else’s shoes: do you think it’s easy living in pain every day? It is also well-documented that people living with cerebral palsy use more energy than an usual. It’s tiring stuff. The latter part of the above comment was one of the more hurtful things I’ve heard. When I was in school, I had to wear a spinal brace. This was extremely uncomfortable. I had to wear it 23 hours every day and the hour off was for showering/PE. Because it was hard plastic, it dug in everywhere, and I’d end up with bruised hips, itchy skin rashes and marks cutting into my skin from the plastic. It constantly forced my spine into an unnatural position, and this was painful. Wearing that brace was awful. I felt detached from my own life: it was like I stepped into a magazine and became someone else. ‘Will I have pain for the rest of my life? So, you mean it’s incurable? My spine might get worse?’ These were questions I found hard to ask and even harder to understand when I was thirteen. I was thrust into a world of painkillers, hospital checks, physio, pain management, and procedure after procedure. This was on top of my appointments for my cerebral palsy. Having people claim I was milking it was something I really didn’t need. How insensitive can you be?! The worst part is that a person who said this talked behind my back and told my friends I was ‘milking it’. At the same time, they’d be really lovely to my face and would offer to help me in any way they could. As you can imagine, hearing that was extremely hurtful, and I never really associated myself with them at all after that. I still avoid having to now, despite the fact we have mutual friends. Please don’t do this, ever. The last thing I’d ever want to do is feign an illness. If I had it my way, I’d be completely healthy and have nothing wrong at all. As it stands, I’m not. Don’t make assumptions because you don’t understand.It’s a comment that I haven’t ever been able to shake off since the age of thirteen, and I don’t think I’ll be able to forget it.

I know this is an unusual post, but I hope it has given you something to think about! On a light-hearted note, I have two huge bars of chocolate to get me through the last couple of weeks of essay writing. I know I can do this, but it won’t be easy. Wish me luck!

I’m getting closer to that finish line…

Heather x

Consideration

May 15, 2015May 15, 2015 htlcy2 Comments

Hello there lovely person. This is going to be a little bit ranty (and very very lengthy) so if you’re not in the mood for that then don’t bother reading on (and come back soon for a happier, brighter post at a different time!).

Despite writing a post earlier this week see https://nosuperhero.wordpress.com/2015/05/11/anxiety-and-depression-toolkit/ things have been pretty difficult today. It’s been the worst anxiety-day I’ve had since starting my medication (which must be maybe just about a month ago). Naively I assumed once I started medication my anxiety and depression symptoms would have disappeared. Obviously this is a stupid assumption on my part, but it’s taken me a while to appreciate that medication will not ‘cure’ it. It just helps. Don’t get me wrong, it works fantastically most days but today was a major blip I think.

Stuff has been pretty stressful. Some of you may know I’m in my final year of undergrad so I’m currently tackling lots of essays (and of course most of my deadlines are around the same time) but I have to be honest, it’s not really my work that’s making things difficult. If anything, work gives me something to focus on, something to take my mind away from other thoughts and it’s generally easier to deal with than the other stressors. Things have been really bad with pain at the minute. I have Scheuermann’s kyphosis – if you’ve read my blog before you’ll probably have stumbled across this – but basically some of my vertebrae in my thoracic spine didn’t grow and ossify properly. Because of this i have a curvature in my spine of 70 degrees + (it’s been a long time since it’s been measured). A normal spinal curve is somewhere around 35-40 degrees, so the added curvature really causes problems along the rest of my spine and my ribs. My neck juts forward at an odd angle, and I have a hyper-lordosis (inwards curve) in my lumbar spine. Because of the curve my muscles have to work harder (there’s no abnormality as such with my back muscles) but they get extremely painful as they’re being stretched over a wonky spine. Basically my back hurts all the time. Some days are good: meaning I can manage my pain enough so that it doesn’t get in the way of living my life. However, some days are unbearable, to the point where even my strongest painkillers don’t always work. My back hurts all over, right up to the base of my head, and to my hips. I get a burning sensation around my spine which becomes very intense (something I’m yet to get looked at) and my muscles feel like they’ve taken a beating most of the time. It’s really very unpleasant. Back pain knocks you sick. I never realised how hard it could be to live with until I was diagnosed at 13. So there’s that. And there’s alos the fact that i have hemiplegia, a form of cerebral palsy. This also causes pain (my muscles on my affected side are always tight) but also impairs my motor skills. I have poor balance and weakness in my affected side. Having cerebral palsy is tiring because you’re constantly trying to work with limbs that don’t always do what you want to do or sometimes make you wobble and/or fall over. It’s difficult, but I’ve had CP since birth after i acquired a brain injury. However, this is another stressful thing. When you add my anxiety and depression to that, things can sometimes get completely overbearing.

CP gives people a heightened startle response. Basically I sometimes jump at things most people would think aren’t a problem. My fight or flight response is triggered by stupid, every day, mundane things. Sounds include (but are not limited to): sneezing, coughing, laughing, shouting, cars beeping, ambulance sirens, dogs barking, fireworks, gunshot in films and door bells ringing/people knocking. Sometimes having people walk towards me makes me jump. It’s not just jumpiness, but an overwhelming sense of dread and fear that collects and pools in the pit of your abdomen. My heart rate shoots up (as it would if I were to be in serious danger) and it completely sucks because I have no control over it. Turns out anxiety makes these reflexes worse, which is obviously just what I needed.Useless, eh?

Yeah so there’s that. And there’s also the residual things that contributed to my anxiety going on. It was a seriously traumatic time (not saying that to be overly dramatic) but it shook me and it’s taken a while to come to terms with it. I don’t want to bring it up because it’s very unpleasant, but only occured just over a year ago so it’s still very fresh. All these things combined is a recipe for disaster, I’m certain.

So, back to today.

I live next to the communal areas in my house. That’s fair enough, but recently I’ve had a big issue with having to deal with people’s noise levels in the morning (bear in mind the littlest things startle me, especially when I’m asleep and they wake me up) but it’s getting a bit ridiculous. I love my housemates to bits but it’s so unfair for people to be making so much noise it wakes you up. This has been happening for months, I’ve mentioned it before but nothing changed.

Today, I completely and utterly lost it. I snapped. I couldn’t handle it. Emerging from my room with sleepy eyes, a ridiculously racing heart and tears welling up, I shouted at people. I swore. I told people I couldn’t deal with this anymore. It’s got to the point where though I appreciate people need to be up, it doesn’t excuse people making a ridiculously loud sound, capable of waking others.

Being in pain means painkillers. Painkillers mean drowsiness. Drowsiness means I need sleep, and I need sleep more than ever at the minute. My body is reaching breaking point, and chronic, severe pain makes me irritable. I’m a mess. I hardly eat unless Drew cooks for me, and some days I’m so anxiety ridden I don’t want to leave my room to even make a cup of tea. Everything is too much and I’ve had enough and today was the final straw.

I don’t feel good about shouting at people.

In fact I feel humiliated, embarrassed and stupid. I feel like I’m in the wrong. I know we’re all guilty of being so wrapped up in our own lives that we forget the needs of others but I’m always so anxious about upsetting people. Making sure i make as little noise as possible is key for me. I don’t sing anymore (I’m classically trained so like to sing a good song now and then) because I worry people will get angry or sad about having heard me. I tiptoe through the house, I close doors gently, I’m careful about making drinks in the kitchen at night etc. If I’m having a bad day, I leave the house so that people don’t have to put up with me being in pain. i hate the thought of making someone feel in any way uncomfortable, so much so I sometimes go without rather than risk it and have people be sad. I’d like to think I’m considerate; I really try to be. I don’t leave any dirty pans or pots in the kitchen because people shouldn’t have to deal with my mess. I also don’t even leave my shower gels and shampoos and toothbrush in the shower because, again, I worry it’ll take up space that someone else might really want to use. These things sound stupid, i’m sure. But it’s the way i do things because I’m so fearful of a negative reaction (confrontation is a HUGE trigger if you haven’t already guessed).

Despite all this I haven’t had one morning without being startled awake in over a month. it’s awful. And coupled with the fact I have pain a lot at the minute, it becomes seriously detrimental missing out on sleep. I’ve asked politely before, numerous times, hoping for a little bit of consideration and respect in the morning (explaining all of the above) but I don’t feel like I’m getting it. Today shook me up so much this morning i cried hysterically during the shouting and immediately afterwards. When Drew came over to visit me I panicked because when i heard a knock at the door i didn’t know it was him, and i was petrified at the thought of having to leave my room and see someone i didn’t trust.

I sat under my blanket and teddies and cried, before deciding I better check who it was, albeit very reluctantly and with tears streaming down my face. Thankfully it was Drew, who gave me a big hug and sat with me for a while. He made me some lunch and a drink and just generally cheered me up and calmed me down. I’m so grateful for Drew. He really is amazing with me and i couldn’t ask for anything more.

Today was just terrible. And now I’m sat in my room again hoping i don’t need to go to the toilet or anything because I don’t think I can face anyone. I’m hoping this passes and I’m hoping I get it under control. It’s a gnawing, awful feeling. Anxiety can be just so incredibly debilitating.

After this morning I’m hoping for some consideration as I approach this final, painful, stressful hurdle. I know i can do this and I know the end is in sight but i just need to have some patience with myself.

I treat myself as if I’m superwoman: I rarely remember I’m no superhero. I can’t do it all and it doesn’t hurt to take a little time out every now and then.

Sorry for the poor writing and everything. I hope you’ll forgive me.

Hopefully I’ll check in next time on a brighter note. Look after yourselves,

Heather x

Anxiety and Depression Toolkit

May 11, 2015December 4, 2015 htlcy9 Comments

Hi guys, so sorry for the lack of posts recently. It’s been super hectic here since I’m coming to the end of my final year but I thought I’d just write a quick post documenting a few things that have helped me through the most difficult phases of my anxiety & depression. I like to call it my ‘toolkit’. Please bear in mind that though these things often work for me, they might not work for everyone. If you’ve been reading you might be aware I’ve recently started on regular medication to keep my anxiety and depression under control, but these things were somewhat helpful prior to starting my medication. I’m hoping it might give anyone out there who’s struggling at least a couple of ideas!

Above are a few little herbal remedies. Now, I’m not one to say these seriously work. However, I gave them a go. And though I can’t say whether the herbal remedies themselves did anything, just carrying these things with me and using them from time to time made me feel as if I was at least slightly in control. My favourite is Bach’s Rescue Remedy. Just the act of spraying it on my tongue seemed to calm me down slightly. It’s got quite a bitter taste; it isn’t really pleasant, but it seemed to snap me out of anxiety attacks in particular. I didn’t have much luck with Kalms, though. In the little bag are my worry dolls. For someone who is quite logical and often extremely rational, it might sound a little weird that I’d carry these around. And again, it’s not like I seriously believe they work, but carrying my worry dolls with me made me feel at least slightly in control. When I have them with me, I always feel comforted. Think of them as a lucky charm.

Above I have my little notebook. When I was having counselling, my counsellor suggested to carry around a little notebook to note down when I’d have anxiety attacks. As soon as I could write in my notebook, I did, and I’d list a) what is was that triggered my attack, b) how the attack made me feel, c) what I did to try and calm down and d) reflections on the situation and now I’d try to avoid a similar situation in the future. This tactic was really helpful for me as i learnt when things were more likely to trigger my anxiety in public. It also helped me to come to terms with the fact that some things do trigger an anxiety attack, but that once it’s over, I’ll be okay. I really recommend this technique. I bought this small notebook from TK Maxx and it was small enough to fit into my pocket. Even though my medication has helped me tremendously, I still like to carry my notebook around just in case I ever need to use it again.

Above is my Aston Filofax in Orchid leather. I love my Filofax; I plan my life in it and it really helps to give me a sense of routine and structure. When I was at my lowest points, my filofax became very important for instilling structure and routine into my schedule. It was also helpful to make plans well in advance (spontaneity is not my strong point). I also find making to-do lists really helps to calm my nerves as I can cross off tasks when they’re completed. This Filofax was a Christmas present but I know they’re not cheap. However I’ve had it for years now and I honestly couldn’t live without it. My paper refills this year were from paperchase (and I think they’re rather gorgeous!).

Reading is a great way to relax. Though I was initially reluctant to get one, (I’m a huge fan of paper books…they’re such a pleasure) my kindle is absolutely fantastic as it means I can carry literally hundreds of books with me at any time. I love my kindle and it has really helped me get through anxious days.

Using candles with comforting scents is such a luxury, but it’s definitely something I appreciate when I’ve had a hard day. Yankee Candles are exceptional, with gorgeous scents and a great throw. The scents really fill the entire room. Fluffy Towels is a very comforting, fresh and clean scent. It smells like freshly washed laundry. It sounds odd, but I promise It is very relaxing.

Finally, I like to remind myself that things will be okay, no matter how bad I’m feeling right now. If you’re struggling with anxiety and depression, just know you can get through it. I’ve achieved so much since starting my medication and I’m really proud of myself. You just need to find what works for you, but I promise you’ll get there. I hope these ideas are even just a tiny bit helpful.

Remember to look after yourself.
Heather x

Happiness is…

April 15, 2015April 15, 2015 htlcyLeave a comment

This post will be an amalgamation of things that have made me happy over the past few days. I did say I’d post every day but since I’m in my third year of university I’m currently swamped with essay writing and reading (so I’m not surprised it didn’t last). However, here’s some happy things:

1) getting on track to sort out my anxiety/depression (FINALLY). I’m now feeling so much more positive and I’m hoping I’ll be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel soon

2)eating my only easter egg of the year

3)cooking a tasty dinner of pan-fried salmon fillet with mash, samphire and homemade lemon-cream sauce. It was really delicious and such a treat

4) going to the pub for a few drinks with friends. Even though there was an incident that made me feel very uncomfortable and anxious, I got through it and still had a good time overall

5)bumping into friends I don’t see very often. It’s always a lovely surprise.

What’s made you happy recently?

Heather

9th April, 2015

April 9, 2015April 9, 2015 htlcyLeave a comment

Hello there, you lovely reader. If you’ve been catching up with my blog this week you’ll have noticed that I’ve been doing ‘Happiness is…’ posts to try and get me to focus on the happy things in my day-to-day life. I think when you deal with anxiety & depression on a daily basis you really need a reminder of the good things. It’s all too easy to get stuck in that suffocating perpetual darkness. However I’m doing a slightly different post right now because today has been really difficult and I think talking through it might prove somewhat cathartic.

My anxiety today was really, really bad. You know when you can feel it coming, so you desperately attempt to suppress it but find out it’s going to burst through anyway? Yes? That was today. It all started with a few events from yesterday. Last night I burnt my wrist on my left hand. I am left-handed but I also have a mild form of spastic hemiplegia (a form of cerebral palsy) in my right side. The easiest way to describe this is as if it’s a stroke; it’s exactly the same kind of thing, but because the brain injury occurred before my birth, it’s classed as cerebral palsy. Because of this hemiplegia it’s difficult to use my right hand, arm, leg and foot so burning myself fairly badly on my good wrist was completely stupid and silly. Of course I didn’t do it on purpose, but I wish I’d have been a bit more careful. Sigh.

So this morning in the shower I had to dangle my burnt left wrist out of the cubicle, whilst I attempted to wash my hair etc. with my hemi hand. This proved difficult, so much so I gave up after trying to lather the shampoo in my hair for 15 mins. I rinsed myself as quickly as I could and got out. I was frustrated with it. Having hemiplegia is really annoying and I didn’t realise how much I rely on my left hand until today. It’s almost like there’s a loose connection in my right hand, because you know what you want your hand/leg to do but it isn’t quite doing it. It’s like there’s something missing, something absent, something wired incorrectly.

Because of this I think I felt a whole lot worse than usual. Additionally, I had a bad, anxious night last night. So I shouldn’t be surprised that today was terrible, but there you go. I headed out to get my burn looked at in the pharmacy, having done my make up nicely (or so I hoped). Things were relatively fine with the anxiety until I realised I’d been sold the wrong type of product for my burn. Then, I tried to apply the thing I’d bought to my burn with my hemi hand. Needless to say I couldn’t do this very well so gave up. This further added to my frustration and because my anxiety was bad anyway, it started to worsen as I left the pharmacy. I was focussed on getting home, but generally I was okay if not a little annoyed that the product was not what I had wanted despite having asked for it.

A minute or so down the road, a balloon popped in my left ear as I walked past a cafe. This proved to be the last straw.

If anyone knows anything about neurological disorders, you’d know they often come with a healthy heightened startle reflex. Basically I jump at a lot of noises people wouldn’t even bat an eyelid at. Balloons popping, fireworks, gunshot and other loud bangs are really bad and I jump very suddenly. I can’t help it; I can’t predict if or when it’s going to happen. Some days I’m worse than others. It makes your heart beat really fast, gives you a feeling of fear and panic and becomes unbearable. Anxiety makes this reaction even worse as I’ve found out. I started to panic, I was really fearful and upset and I just needed to get out of the situation. I started to cry, things had got too much and I didn’t know what to do. I was alone. I tried to ring Drew but there was no answer. I cried so much I could feel my mascara running into my eyes and down my cheeks. I know I must’ve looked an absolute mess.

I hurried home to get to a safe spac, when luckily Drew rang back. He calmed me down, and I managed to stop panicking. I couldn’t believe it. Why had this happened? With my counselling a regular thing, I thought I’d got past this stage. It wasn’t just embarrassing, but incredibly disappointing. I feel like I’ve taken one step forward and ten steps back.

So today has not at all been very happy. I did manage to get some reading done, however, so that was a bit of a relief. I just wish I could get over these situations and get on with living life, without having to worry about popping into a shop or bumping into someone or any other trivial, silly thing. I’m hoping that tomorrow I’ll have some happy things to share with you.

I’m sorry for my long, poorly-articulated rant. I’m currently in bed surrounded by soft toys and Chinese takeaway, so please do excuse me.
I hope your Thursday has been a little bit more positive. I’m hoping tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Heather

On the Mend

March 18, 2015March 18, 2015 htlcyLeave a comment

It’s been a while since I’ve posted on here, and for that I do apologise. Things have been extremely busy with university study, but I thought now would be apt to share my recent experiences particularly with regards to the counselling treatment I’ve started (see https://nosuperhero.wordpress.com/2015/02/28/validation/ ). I have to say I didn’t really know what to expect when it came to my first session; the only ‘insight’ I’ve had into counselling/therapy consisted of jokey allusions to it via shows such as Family Guy which is perhaps rather unfortunate. The set up was what I expected though: me and the counsellor in a small room, perhaps with a cup of tea, boxes of tissues and sheets of paper to fill out. My first steps into the room were apprehensive ones. Though I knew it was an amazing thing to have got there, I still wanted to turn back and leave. I wanted to turn around, run through the front door and seamlessly merge back into the crowds walking the streets of Hull; I didn’t want to have my life probed and picked apart. I knew though that there was no going back. This could prove to be the beginning of something wonderful, something life-changing.

After completing the mandatory paperwork (filling out scales 1-10, ‘how easy has it been for you to get out and about? etc) the session started. Almost immediately afterwards, the tears began to flow. Tears not only of anxiety and sadness and frustration, but tears of relief. Someone was sat in front of me who genuinely seemed to express an interest and concern for my life. They made me feel (for once!) at ease somewhat. And most of all, things started to make sense. I’ve had two sessions so far and I’d like to think I’m finally on the right track, or at least headed in the right direction, whichever that is. I’m under no illusions. I know this will take time and although each session has been emotionally exhausting, I just feel like for once I can see a glimpse of light at the end of the long, dark tunnel. It’s a glimmer of light I couldn’t be happier to see.

Here’s to hope and new beginnings…

Heather