I am confused

I’m unsure whether I’ve had a mental health blip. I don’t know.

I wish I did know.

Yesterday was strange. I had a meeting with a disability officer and I ended up crying in front of her. I suppose the tears were a result of relief and sadness. I explained everything that was bothering me – preparing for the future, dealing with constant pain, worries about not completing my dissertation to a high standard – and I then felt really stupid for letting everything get to me. Hopefully I’m getting help with the pain management as she’s referring me to a course that’ll help me to deal with all the stress that chronic pain brings. I’ll just have to wait for that.

I spent the rest of the day with that familiar anxiety swirling round right in the pit of my stomach, but I persevered. I got on with stuff. I did everything I was supposed to.  In the evening went out for a drink and a catch up, and left feeling happy – completely at ease  – and everything was lovely. But today I’ve woken up feeling dreadful.

I have already cried. I have a seminar to attend this evening.

Whenever I go for my medication review I always forget these things. I tell my doctor that I’m doing fine – which is mostly true – but often forget to mention these crippling episodes of anxiety. My dreams are so vivid at the minute that I wake up genuinely convinced they were part of my waking life. I’ve never had dreams so lifelike before.

I’m just really confused. I’m dreading today; it’s awful outside and I’ll be coming home in the dark. I’m already wanting to get back into bed but I have reading to do and work to finish.

Even if I did get back into bed I’d feel too anxious to sleep or relax. I’m feeling a strange mixture of confused and ridiculous.

I hope it passes.

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One thought on “I am confused

  1. Perhaps book an appointment with your doctor just to tell them about the anxiety episodes? They might adjust your meds if they know you’re feeling this way. I hope you start to feel better xx

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